I feel like she never brings it up and its a closed subject to me. I don't want my little sister to take care of my emotional problems and grieving. I feel like when we were kids, we were explained to what we were not supposed to do or dress like. I want to not have a great big raw hole in my heart. I am tired of jumping at every sound on the road. In a little house with a mom who could belt out the music with conviction. Last week my husband and i went to a Christian book store and i thought i has a book i was going to buy somehow i ended up with a 4 disc CD set from Selah. I am aware of the passing of time and my son growing up. I need to be in a church where that pastor is gentle and blunt at the same time. I cant stand or stomach any more feel good religiosity crap. I am at the bottom of the pain where my heart feels lonely. The loss is as raw to me as that day she went home. I am to the heart broken sobbing stage now. I remember looking into her brown eyes, tracing the patterns in her eyes. when she got up to sing in church i wanted her to go on forever. I cry everyday and i really don't want to go out of my house because im in my box with my memories and the world wont even miss me. I get out her answering machine sometimes and wish that her voice would say I love you girls. Mom Dona and I were our own private club. Noone would have bothered to tell me stories or protect me. Without her noone would have brought me home from the hospital Christmas 1972. Lost, Confused, Hurt, Grieving, Confused, like a wounded animal crying out for a mother no longer there, without any hope. The one person who loved me enough to hold me up and truly understood me was gone. When mom died i felt like i was forgotten in the cracks of life. I realized my goals for life were last in my husband's eyes and no one cared if Sabrina got an education, insurance to keep her diabetes under control and not die, or even wanted me to be a part of their lives. I eat, sleep, breath, and live it every day. For those of you who don't really know me I play world of warcraft now like its a religion. Rebelliousness heart would be my description on my space. I recently, have become resentful of everyone. I have been under the impression that i am nothing more than a convenience when people want something.
I felt cheated, gypped, taken, run over, hurt, victimized, and desperate for attention from those i considered important. "yeah" ill try to go to church but it is easier to sleep till noon on Sunday. I don't want him to see that example in his life. I have a hard enough time bringing up a honest forth rite young man. I went on with my life secretly hating more with every passing day. After all how could people who were truly Christian act that way? Phooey on them. I lost faith in people who called themselves Christian. I pretty much hate going to church because of a situation that took place a few years ago. I have been hurting and festering for a long time.
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